Best Marriages

Knowing Your Partners Dreams Improves the Relationship!

Dr. John Gottman, one of the top relationship experts in the world, who has studied couples for 35 years and written numerous books on the subject has discovered that there is an signifcant correlation between knowing your partners dreams, hopes and aspirations and a happy marriage.  He called this concept “Building Love Maps” and it means creating in your brain cognitive space for information solely dedicated to your partner.  It is what you know about your partner and how well you remember it that matters. It is just like that saying “What have you done for me lately, That’s what matters”. You would never head out on a unknown journey with an old outdated map, yet we often feel that what we knew about our partner when we met him or her is good enough. Just like computers, people are changing and evolving all the time and we have to keep up by updating and downloading new maps of our partner’s world.  The more space you allocate for your partner the more they feel known and loved.  Doesn’t it feel good to have someone know exactly how to order your coffee at Starbucks?   The only way this happens is to ask questions and pay attention to your partner.

A couple recently posted on our website their secret for a happy marriage and it was so perfect it must be restated here.
The husband wrote “Subject: commitment and goal setting”
Message Body:
we were coming from totally different backgrounds and cultures, but realized a stat indicating 97% of couples entering marriage have no long or short term goals-just hoping for the best! He who aims at nothing usually hits it-a famous quote. Every year we have 3-4 getaway times where we focus on goals and aspirations, and measure our progress. Recently at one of these getaways we each took on an assignment-to list 100 dreams, wishes or goals. Absolutely amazing, in fact we are still talking (communicating) about it weeks after. We have been best friends for many years and realized the importance of having strong marriage mentors throughout our journey. I love our marriage.
This couple of course scored very high marks on the “Extreme Relationship Makeover Quiz “

A great movie about love and marriage is Don Juan Demarco.  In this movie Johnny Depp’s character ( who thought he was Don Juan Demarco) , was trying to help the character played by Marlon Brando (a psychologist trying to help him through his delusions) get closer to his wife of over 30 years.   What finally worked is when Brando said to his wife (Faye Dunaway) “What are your dreams?”  She got very emotional and said “ I thought you would never ask”.
Next time you see your partner, instead of asking them if they paid the bills, ask about their dreams yet unfulfilled and see what happens.

Darren Wilk, MA, RCC and Co-owner of Bestmarriages.com

Darren and Lawrence share some valuable insights on the Kid Carson show on the Beat 94.5 Vancouver’s most popular hits radio station.

Listen to Darren and Lawrence talk about what causes divorce!

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How to ruin Valentine’s Day…and potentially a perfectly good relationship!

Having been a certified Gottman Marriage counsellor for years and being married for 22 years you would think love, romance and passion should be second nature.  Well, it doesn’t and every year during Valentine’s Day I am reminded to reflect on how to keep the romance alive in a long term relationship. One way to ruin this awesome reminder is to excuse it away by saying, “It’s all about the commercialism…  I will show love when I want too, not when some saint says I should.” This could be a grave mistake. Trust me, I have made it too many times!!!

Create rituals of connection.

It is true that commercialism and insane mark-ups are everywhere whenever a special holiday comes around and it can really ruin the intention of the holiday in the first place.  (I am so cheap that I make sure I buy flowers one week in advance and never go to a restaurant on the actually day.)  So get mad and stomp your feet in rebellion about this insidious practice and then step back and think for a moment. 

Why is this tradition important for relationships? It reminds you every year to make sure you are remembering to celebrate the love you have with that someone special.  Research is clear that couples that develop rituals of connection that they can count on are healthier than ones that pretend that love, romance and passion just happen by some freak accident. Marriages that end in divorce or those that are stable but miserable often rely on a myth that if we are not fighting and avoid all conflict that fun, friendship and passion will just magically appear in their relationship.  This is simply not true, the Best marriages that have been proven to last recognize that the passion stays alive because they create Rituals of connection, to keep it alive.

Rituals of connection are anything that a couple chooses to make more purposeful in order to stay connected and have fun doing it.  Happy couples have special ways they start and end their days, they know what makes a great weekend for both of them and they build in activities that are they both enjoy into their lives.  They can count on a date or two a month, they know what each of them wants or don’t want when they are sick and they definitely have talked about how they go about initiating and refusing sex.  There literally are hundreds of informal and formal rituals that begin to define a couple.  Valentine’s day is just a yearly wake up call reminding us all to say “ I love you” and celebrate your union.

Make it your own, talk about what it means to you and ask your partner what it means to them.  And to the need to make sure you are aware for what keeps you connected. Most couples that come to therapy say they feel taken for granted and unappreciated.  Valentines is not just a day, it is a reminder to build into your daily life rituals you can count on.

One more thing… make sure you tell your partner how awesome they are and that you can’t wait til you can get your hands on them (in a good way).  Most of the time these loving thoughts stay in our head and rarely trickle past our lips.  When we at Bestmarriages.com counselling ask couples to say positive things about their partner they rarely have a problem coming up with three or four things to say from the previous week or two.  When asked if they verbalized this to their partner the answer is no but they did think about it. What good is that!!! If you don’t say it your partner cannot read your mind.  Make it a practice to catch your partner doing something right and tell them.  The results will speak for themselves.

Darren Wilk, MA, Certified Gottman Couples therapist

True Compatibility Doesn’t Exist, so Shrug off Little Conflicts

By Jeanie Learch Davis, senior writer for WebMDhealth

Thermostat settings. Dirty socks. Toothpaste caps. Our little habits make our spouses crazy. But no two people are ever truly compatible, so quit nitpicking each other, relationship experts advise. Save the battles for the big issues — and you’ll have a happy marriage.

Susan Boon, PhD, a social psychologist at the University of Calgary in Alberta , Canada , teaches classes in interpersonal relationships. A few years ago, she picked up the book, Seven Principles for Making Marriages Work, by John Gottman, MD, psychologist, relationship researcher for 30 years, and founder of The Gottman Institute in Seattle . Ever since discovering the book, Boon has recommended it to her students.

Secrets of a Happy Marriage

Long-lasting, happy marriages have more than great communication, Boon says. “Dr. Gottman brings up something no one ever talks about — that irreconcilable differences are normal, that you just have to come to terms with them, not try to resolve the unresolvable. On some level, that should have been obvious, but it hasn’t been,” she tells WebMD.

Most marriage therapists focus on “active listening,” which involves paraphrasing, validating, affirming your spouse’s feedback, says Boon. “That’s all well and good and may help you get through some conflicts in a less destructive way. But, as Dr. Gottman puts it, ‘you’re asking people to do Olympic-style gymnastics when they can hardly crawl.’ Many people will fail at those techniques. Research indicates that most people are dissatisfied with the outcome of marital therapy, that the problems come back.”

In happy marriages, Boon points out, couples don’t do any of that!

Instead, you must be nice to your partner, research shows. Make small gestures, but make them often. “The little things matter,” says Boon. “What a happy marriage is based on is deep friendship, knowing each other well, having mutual respect, knowing when it makes sense to try to work out an issue, when it is not solvable. Many kinds of issues simply aren’t solvable.”

Learn how to identify issues that must be resolved, that can be “fruitfully discussed,” she notes. “Learn to live with the rest. Just put up with it. All you do is waste your breath and get angry over these things that can’t be changed. You’re better off not trying to change them. Work around them. Commit to staying together, even though this is something you don’t like.”

A long-lasting, happy marriage is about knowing your partner, being supportive, and being nice. Research shows that, “for every one negative thing you do, there must be five positive things that balance it out,” Boon tells WebMD. “Make sure to balance the negatives with positives. Your marriage has to be heavily in favor of the positives.”

While it sounds easy — and while it can be easy — this commitment to being nice is no small matter, Boon says. “You have to do nice things often. But it’s harder to be nice when the heat is on, when you’re really angry, or when something has happened for the 15th time. Nevertheless, the balance must be heavily, heavily stacked in the positive, to have a happy marriage.”

Also, couples must stay in touch with their special ways of repairing the relationship, Boon says. “It can be humor; it can be whatever helps diffuse the escalating heat. In happy marriages, couples naturally do this. They deflect the anger, and get back on an even keel.”

A Happy Marriage Means Respecting Spouse

It’s true, research has shown that couples in satisfying, happy marriages have more positive emotions in their interactions — including discussions of problems, says Shae Graham Kosch, PhD, director of the behavioral medicine program in community health and family at the University of Florida at Gainesville .

Kosch has been married (to the same man) for 32 years. She has counseled unhappy couples just as long.

“Most marital conflicts don’t ever get resolved,” she tells WebMD. “There are always issues around in-laws, children. Solving the problems doesn’t really matter. What’s crucial is keeping things positive. You have to accept the other person’s perspective, have an appropriate discussion without getting critical or blaming.”

Other tips from Kosch: Men in good relationships don’t react emotionally during conflicts. Men in bad relationships are more likely to withdraw from the discussion. They might actually leave the room, look at the ceiling, or tune out the conversation. Wives in negative relationships also get entrenched in their particular viewpoint and ultimately feel greater anger and contempt.

Your attitude toward your spouse plays out over the long haul, she adds. “Couples that have good marriages retain their mutual respect and understanding of each other — even during discussions of their differences — will stay together much longer.”

The Myers-Briggs personality test has helped many couples tune into their own psyches — whether they’re a thinking or feeling type, decisive or perceiving, or flexible. Those insights into themselves help their relationships. “It’s a nonjudgmental measurement. It doesn’t say that anyone is too rational or overly emotional. We all have these characteristics; in some people they are more dominant.”

Most importantly, for a happy marriage, be committed to seeing your partner’s perspective, she tells WebMD. “Have a willingness to understand, make changes in yourself, and find some method to get out of negative communication patterns — negativity that just escalates. Sometimes that couple just can’t move forward. They develop what I call ‘manure-colored glasses.’”

One trick that works: Discussing conflicts while talking on the phone, rather than face to face. “That removes all nonverbal cues. She won’t see him looking at the ceiling; he won’t see her rolling her eyes. It keeps things more positive.”

Step by Step to Resolving Issues

“Conflict is common, and a healthy dose of conflict is OK,” says Terri Orbuch, PhD, a research scientist with the Institute for Social Research at the University of Michigan at Ann Arbor . She’s also a family therapist and the “Love Doctor” on a Detroit radio station.

In her research, Orbuch has studied one group of couples for the past 16 years. “How you deal with it, that’s what matters in a happy marriage,” she tells WebMD. “You have to fight fair. Stay calm. You cannot be at problem-solving best when you’re angry. Come back to the situation when you’re not, and you can have a whole new perspective.”

Also, pick your battles. “You can’t have a conflict over everything. We call it ‘kitchen sinking’ — bringing up things that happened five, 10 years ago,” says Orbuch.

For a happy marriage, here’s how to deal with conflict:

Her research “has shown, time and time again, that conflict is not important, that how you manage conflict, how you handle it over the long haul, really is important to a happy marriage,” Orbuch tells WebMD. “I’m a big believer in direct, meaningful communication — but you have to choose the right time.”

Also, compromise is necessary in long-term relationships, she adds. “But each partner has to feel that it’s reciprocal. One can’t feel that they’re making all the compromises.” When one spouse makes all the compromises, it’s uncomfortable for both — not just the one giving in.

“You have to remember there are ebbs and flows in relationships,” Orbuch says. “There will be times when you’re making the compromises. But there will be other times when your partner is making them. As long as in the long-term things are reciprocal, that’s what is important.”

Published Nov. 11, 2004.
SOURCES: Susan Boon, PhD, social psychologist, University of Calgary in Alberta, Canada. Shae Graham Kosch, PhD, director, behavioral medicine program, Community Health and Family, University of Florida at Gainesville . Terri Orbuch, PhD, research scientist, Institute for Social Research, University of Michigan, Ann Arbor.

Since 1973, Dr. John Gottman has studied what he calls the “masters and disasters” of marriage. Ordinary people from the general public took part in long-term studies, and Dr. Gottman learned what makes marriages fail, what makes them succeed, and what can make marriages a source of great meaning. By examining partners’ heart rates, facial expressions, and how they talk about their relationship to each other and to other people, Dr. Gottman is able to predict with more than 90% accuracy which couples will make it, and which will not. What advice does Dr. Gottman have to offer? Below are some of his top suggestions for how to keep your marriage strong.

1. Seek help early. The average couple waits six years before seeking help for marital problems (and keep in mind, half of all marriages that end do so in the first seven years). This means the average couple lives with unhappiness for far too long.
2. Edit yourself. Couples who avoid saying every critical thought when discussing touchy topics are consistently the happiest.
3. Soften your “start up.” Arguments first “start up” because a spouse sometimes escalates the conflict from the get-go by making a critical or contemptuous remark in a confrontational tone. Bring up problems gently and without blame.
4. Accept influence. A marriage succeeds to the extent that the husband can accept influence from his wife. If a woman says, “Do you have to work Thursday night? My mother is coming that weekend, and I need your help getting ready,” and her husband replies, “My plans are set, and I’m not changing them”. This guy is in a shaky marriage. A husband’s ability to be influenced by his wife (rather than vice-versa) is crucial because research shows women are already well practiced at accepting influence from men, and a true partnership only occurs when a husband can do so as well.
5. Have high standards. Happy couples have high standards for each other even as newlyweds. The most successful couples are those who, even as newlyweds, refused to accept hurtful behavior from one another. The lower the level of tolerance for bad behavior in the beginning of a relationship, the happier the couple is down the road.
6. Learn to repair and exit the argument. Successful couples know how to exit an argument. Happy couples know how to repair the situation before an argument gets completely out of control. Successful repair attempts include: changing the topic to something completely unrelated; using humor; stroking your partner with a caring remark (“I understand that this is hard for you”); making it clear you’re on common ground (“This is our problem”); backing down (in marriage, as in the martial art Aikido, you have to yield to win); and, in general, offering signs of appreciation for your partner and his or her feelings along the way (“I really appreciate and want to thank you for.…”). If an argument gets too heated, take a 20-minute break, and agree to approach the topic again when you are both calm.
7. Focus on the bright side. In a happy marriage, while discussing problems, couples make at least five times as many positive statements to and about each other and their relationship as negative ones.  For example, “We laugh a lot;” not, “We never have any fun”.  A good marriage must have a rich climate of positivity. Make deposits to your emotional bank account.

www.Gottman.com

By Darren Wilk

Most of the calls I receive in my office for marriage help come from women who are tired of doing all the work in their marriage. They have asked their husbands, over and over again, to get into gear and take more responsibility for the relationship. The response they get is, “Why? There is really not much wrong here; and anyways, we can fix it on our own, without help”. (By the way, most men who come into counseling after their wife has left them say, “I don’t know what happened. I thought everything was okay”). Does this sound familiar?

Men typically don’t seek outside help for their relationships for much the same reason that men won’t ask for directions. They hate not being able to figure something out on their own. Men, by nature, are trained to be independent and self-sufficient. They would rather learn from doing than from discussing.

Think about this the next time you’re watching children’s at a playground. The boys are rarely sitting around talking. They’re doing something active. The girls on the other hand spend time walking around chatting or hanging out and talking. Do you know any men who love to talk on the phone with their best friend? It is just not in their nature. I know this may sound stereotypical, but it is a general rule. Of course there are always exceptions.

On top of this, the typical husband learns to tune out the cries for more involvement until the requests get really serious. Even then he’ll usually just change a few things for a little while to get the pressure off, and then gradually slip back into old habits. The reason the change doesn’t last is because he hasn’t really understood the reason for the change in the first place. He reacts to the pressure by switching into “solve” mode.

So what does a frustrated, at wits end, spouse do? You still love him and you don’t want a divorce. How do you get his attention?

1. Reframe the problem.

Leading marriage psychologists, Andrew Christianson and Neil Jacobson, asserts that one of the major relationship patterns is that one of the spouses is pursuing and trying to get closer to the other. This usually results in a polarization effect where the one being pursued actually moves away.

This is called a closeness-distance conflict. It usually occurs when one partner desires more intimacy and closeness, (usually the wife), and the other, (usually the husband), desires to maintain an optimal amount of distance. This is essentially simply a difference in the definition of an ideal relationship. But instead of seeing this as being just a difference of definitions one partner starts to want to eradicate this difference and sees it as a major problem. The difference is seen as a deficiency in the other person. Closeness seekers see the other person as afraid of intimacy and distance seekers see the other person as too dependent and needy.

The first step in getting more of what you want is to stop attaching value judgments on differences. The partner may be distancing because he misunderstands your need of closeness as an attempt to control and smother, rather than to enjoy mutual company. Not all differences need to be intolerable, problematic or distressing. For all you know your husband’s attempt at keeping his distance is more of an ingrained personality trait than an attempt to stay away from you. He also may simply lack the skills or has very little ability to articulate his fear of losing his independence. There is no need to take this personally.

Relaxing and accepting that you both have a different view of intimacy creates a space for conversation rather than conflict. A different definition of the problem gives you the ability to realize your husband’s distance as simply a neutral difference of styles.

2. Stop trying to get their attention — that usually gets their attention.

Have you ever been looking intently for something you lost and when you finally stop looking for it somehow magically appears? This principle works the same way. When you relax, stop pursuing your spouse and simply get on with your own agenda, a magical thing occurs. The distancer stops running and begins to move into the space you created as you moved out of it. They finally feel the freedom to come towards you and the relationship. When making the decision to let go it is often best to state it to the other. “ I am going to stop chasing after you and give up my personal time and energy when it just seems to push you away. I love you very much and I want to be closer. I hope this gives you the space you need.”

After saying this you must act on it. Stop checking up on them, doing stuff for them, and giving up things you want to do for your self. If he was supposed to be home for supper at five and he decides to stay out later, don’t hold supper; go out and enjoy yourself. Stop organizing your life around the other person. This is not a quick fix and takes time and patience, but it will happen that they feel the gap and start to move into it.

Do something different. Whatever you were doing wasn’t working anyways. Most marriage counselors agree that just doing something different, no matter what it is, creates opportunities for change. What have you got to lose?

References:
Jacobson, Neil S., Christiansen, Andrew: Acceptance and Change in Couple Therapy, W.W. Norton & Company; (September 1, 1998)

The following Article Explains the principle of Aikido: Yield to win. In the Japanese Martial art Aikido, the idea is that direct opposition, two forces opposed, is a BIG mistake. We must yield to win.  The truth for marriage is this: YOU CAN’T  BE INFLUENTIAL UNLESS YOU ACCEPT INFLUENCE. The article is written about business relationships but for our purposes we would like to apply it to the business of staying happily married.

The Reactionary Tango: Turning Opposition to Understanding through Aikido

By Daniel Robin

Communication is like a dance

…when it works, there’s a blending and cooperation that requires awareness and skill. Fortunately, only one partner needs to be skilled (though it takes lots less work when both are).

We all bring expertise at some of the “dance moves” of interpersonal relating. Some people hate chit-chat, while others can’t seem to get to the point. When does your personal communication style work, and when does it get you unintended results?

Unlike dancing, however, business communication always holds a purpose beyond the dance itself. Whether your partner is a communication klutz or happens to be a powerful negotiator, learning new steps allows you to realize that purpose smoothly, with minimal toe-tromping.

Waltzing with the ‘Enemy’

When the other person gets inflammatory with “If you don’t start putting in some effort here I’m going to …,” or “I’m sick and tired of you always …,” or “I told you …,” how do you react? Do you suddenly feel like they’re doing raggae while you’re trying to swing? Whose problem is it?

Even if you feel attacked, you can “release” your enemy stance by not getting caught up in the attack, by not getting hooked into a dance you’d rather not do. How? Don’t react, respond with a remarkable dance step borrowed from the martial art of Aikido.

It works like this: Notice at what point you are being attacked. Let’s say they’re out to make you wrong. Rather than struggling with the apparent focal point of the attack from defensiveness, polarity, or as their adversary (“I think I’m right …,” or “You don’t know what you’re talking about …”), move off the line of the attack and join shoulder-to-shoulder with the attacker. You might reply, “I don’t think so, but let me look at it from your point of view,” or “I’m interested to learn why you think so,” or even “What’s your intention here? And what would that do for you?”

The 90s Hokey Pokey?

Metaphorically, if the attacker just grabbed your arm, rather than focusing on the arm (the issue or the point of attack, where moving your arm would cause a struggle), instead, leave the arm alone and pivot your entire body alongside the attacker’s arm. From this position, you are out of the way of the direction of the attack, and in an excellent position to use the attacker’s energy. You are literally seeing the attacker’s point of view from its source, and therefore in an ideal position to avoid escalation and resolve the conflict.

Even if you’re not being attacked per se, this approach can be used to leverage the other person’s interests, intention, motivation, anger or resistance to find a mutually satisfying outcome.

I’m Sorry, I Wasn’t Listening

Doesn’t it seem like the world has become very noisy? Not just boom boxes, shrill telephones and 911 sirens, but the continual assault of daily information and junk mail — it’s no wonder we often stop listening to ourselves and to each other. Even with the awareness that our health requires us to understand and be understood by the world around us, we sometimes forget how powerful it is to give someone our ear.

When your goal is to get your own point across, the first and most important move you can make is, ironically, to listen. Clients report that it “works like magic” to get on the other person’s “wavelength” by gently drawing them out. Just the intention of understanding them first creates an opening that Dr. Stephen Covey describes as “seek first to understand, then to be understood.”

This interpersonal principle is an extension of “when you want something, give it.” If you want a receptive ear on the part of your listener, be one first. If you want a new car… well, that usually requires a different kind of resource.

So that explains why to listen, but listen for what? Listen how? In the book Getting to Yes, authors Fisher and Ury state “It is not enough to know that they see things differently. If you want to influence them, you also need to understand empathetically the power of their point of view and to feel the emotional force with which they believe in it.”

Armed with the awareness that you don’t have to agree to understand, and you need not understand to accept their view, have your next interaction bring out the martial artist that lives in each of us.

by Heather Bowden

Intimate Violence

Most violent crimes happen between people who are known to each other. This is true of all forms of assault, including sexual assault and rape. British Columbia has the highest reported incidences of intimate violence in all of Canada. It is estimated that only 1-10% of all sexual assaults are reported to the police. There are three levels of sexual assault according to the Canadian Criminal Code.

Over 80 percent of all violent crimes in BC are non-sexual assault.  Sex offences make up over 7% of violent crimes in BC.

The three-tiered system of sexual offences is based on the seriousness of harm and violence.

Level 1 sexual assault occurs when any form of sexual activity without bodily harm is forced upon another person.

Level 2 sexual assault occurs when a person is sexually assaulted by someone who uses or threatens to use bodily harm or a weapon

Level 3 sexual assault  occurs when a person wounds, maims, disfigures, beats or endangers the life of a person during a sexual assault.

The results from a survey conducted by Police Services Division of sexual assaults reported to police during 1993 and 1994 revealed the following characteristics of a “typical” reported sexual assault in B.C. The findings of this survey are available in full from Police Services Division’s Survey of Sexual Assaults Reported to Police in British Columbia, 1993-1994.

The victim will be female under the age of 19 (if under the age of 19 then the victim will likely be between the ages of six and 12). The accused person will be male, over the age of 17, and will either be a family member or a friend of the victim. If the accused is a male relative of the victim, then he will most likely be her father or stepfather. The offence will occur once or during a period of less than one month, and take place at the victim’s home, the accused’s home or a home shared by both.

The intent of the law reforms was threefold: first, to reflect the violent rather than the sexual nature of the offences; second, to expand the opportunities for courts to receive children’s testimony in cases of child sexual abuse; and, finally, to broaden the scope of sexual offences by presenting the offences as gender neutral as opposed to offences against females only.

What is sexual assault/rape?

 
Sexual assault is a crime of aggression committed with the intent to dominate, degrade and force physical intimacy on an unwilling person.

1. Rape is an offence whose statistical incidence is especially prone to moderating influences such as social factors and law enforcement policies.
2. It is a crime long known to be seriously under-numerated because of the unwillingness of many victims to report the event to police or other authorities.
3. All forms of sexual violence are crimes under the Canadian Criminal Code.
4. The term “sexual offence” encompasses a wide range of criminal acts from unwanted touching to sexual violence involving a weapon.
5. The term “sexual assault” refers to three levels of assault, which are also sexual offences.

Non-Sexual Assault

As previously noted, revisions to federal assault legislation established three levels of non-sexual assault offences similar to those provided for sexual assaults.

Level 1 non-sexual assault, the least serious of these offences, does not involve a weapon or serious physical injury;

level 2 involves a weapon or results in bodily harm; and

Level 3 is aggravated assault or assault that is life-threatening. The ability of the police to make arrests and recommend charges in all types of assaults was enhanced by the legislation.

The reporting of spousal assault offences in British Columbia is supported by the provincial government’s Violence Against Women in Relationships (VAWIR) policy. The VAWIR policy directs officials in the justice system (including police, Crown counsel, probation officers, victim assistance workers, and others) to emphasize the criminality of violence and to take the necessary measures to ensure the protection of women and children who may be at risk. The policy states that when attending an incident involving violence between spouses, and where there are grounds to believe an offence has occurred, police officers should always make an arrest when it is in the public interest. The policy shifts the responsibility to lay charges from the victim to the criminal justice system. The policy defines a spouse as a marital partner, a common-law partner or a partner in a dating or intimate relationship. Spousal assaults also include assaults between partners in same-sex relationships.

Spousal assault offences fall into three categories: incidents where the offender is male, incidents where the offender is female and incidents where both spouses are involved. In 2002, 78% of spousal assault incidents involved a male offender, 15% involved a female offender and 7% involved both spouses assaulting each other. These proportions have remained relatively constant since 1993.

Spousal assaults are primarily a subset of non-sexual assault offences. In 2002, Criminal Code assault offences associated with spousal assault incidents accounted for 26% of all assaults.

Although the majority of spousal assaults in 2002 involved the offence of nonsexual assault, there were almost 400 Criminal Code offences such as homicide, robbery, theft, and break and enter which also occurred in the context of a spousal assault. Almost 50% of all spousal assault incidents were alcohol-related. 81% of the cases were charged in incidents where the offender was male.

In 2002, the percentage of offences cleared by charge was considerably higher for spousal assault incidents (78% cleared by charge) compared to non-spousal assault incidents (41% cleared by charge). This trend has also been apparent during the past ten years. Overall, these data indicate that the police are recommending charges in cases involving violence in relationships.

overall increase in the number of persons charged in connection with spousal assault incidents during the past ten years. Between 1993 and 2002, total persons charged rose from 6,091 to 8,386, an increase of 38%.

Intimate violence is a pattern of behavior used to establish power and control over another person through fear and intimidation, often including the threat or use of violence. Battering happens when one person believes they are entitled to control another. Assault, battering and domestic violence are crimes.

Definitions: Abuse of family members can take many forms. Battering may include emotional abuse, economic abuse, sexual abuse, using children, threats, using male privilege, intimidation, isolation, and a variety of other behaviors used to maintain fear, intimidation and power. In all cultures, the perpetrators are most commonly the men of the family. Women are most commonly the victims of violence. Elder and child abuse are also prevalent. Acts of domestic violence generally fall into one or more of the following categories:

• Physical Battering — The abuser’s physical attacks or aggressive behaviour can range from bruising to murder. It often begins with what is excused as trivial contacts, which escalate into more frequent and serious attacks.
• Sexual Abuse — Physical attack by the abuser is often accompanied by, or culminates in, sexual violence wherein the woman is forced to have sexual intercourse with her abuser or take part in unwanted sexual activity.
• Psychological Battering — The abuser’s psychological or mental violence can include constant verbal abuse, harassment, excessive possessiveness, isolating the woman from friends and family, deprivation of physical and economic resources, and destruction of personal property.

Battering escalates. It often begins with behaviors like threats, name calling, violence in her presence (such as punching a fist through a wall), and/or damage to objects or pets. It may escalate to restraining, pushing, slapping, and/or pinching. The battering may include punching, kicking, biting, sexual assault, tripping, throwing. Finally, it may become life threatening with serious behaviors such as choking, breaking bones, or the use of weapons.

Why Do Men Batter Women?

Many theories have been developed to explain why some men use violence against their partners. These theories include: family dysfunction, inadequate communication skills, provocation by women, stress, chemical dependency, lack of spirituality and economic hardship. These issues may be associated with battering of women, but they are not the causes. Removing these associated factors will not end men’s violence against women. The batterer begins and continues his behavior because violence is an effective method for gaining and keeping control over another person and he usually does not suffer adverse consequences as a result of his behavior.

Historically, violence against women has not been treated as a “real” crime. This is evident in the lack of severe consequences, such as incarceration or economic penalties, for men guilty of battering their partners. Rarely are batterers ostracized in their communities, even if they are known to have physically assaulted their partners. Batterers come from all groups and backgrounds, and from all personality profiles. However, some characteristics fit a general profile of a batterer:

• A batterer objectifies women. He does not see women as people. He does not respect women as a group. Overall, he sees women as property or sexual objects.
• A batterer has low self-esteem and feels powerless and ineffective in the world. He may appear successful, but inside he feels inadequate.
• A batterer externalizes the causes of his behaviour. He blames his violence on circumstances such as stress, his partner’s behaviour, a “bad day,” alcohol or other factors.
• A batterer may be pleasant and charming between periods of violence, and is often seen as a “nice guy” to outsiders.
• Some behavioural warning signs of a potential batterer include extreme jealousy, possessiveness, a bad temper, unpredictability, cruelty to animals and verbal abusiveness.

Why Do Women Stay?

All too often the question “Why do women stay in violent relationships?” is answered with a victim-blaming attitude. Women victims of abuse often hear that they must like or need such treatment, or they would leave. Others may be told that they are one of the many “women who love too much” or who have “low self-esteem.” The truth is that no one enjoys being beaten, no matter what their emotional state or self-image.

A woman’s reasons for staying are more complex than a statement about her strength of character. In many cases it is dangerous for a woman to leave her abuser. If the abuser has all of the economic and social status, leaving can cause additional problems for the woman. Leaving could mean living in fear and losing child custody, losing financial support, and experiencing harassment at work.

Although there is no profile of the women who will be battered, there is a well-documented syndrome of what happens once the battering starts. Battered women experience shame, embarrassment and isolation. A woman may not leave battering immediately because

• She realistically fears that the batterer will become more violent and maybe even fatal if she attempts to leave;
• Her friends and family may not support her leaving;
• She knows the difficulties of single parenting in reduced financial circumstances;
• There is a mix of good times, love and hope along with the manipulation, intimidation and fear;
• She may not know about or have access to safety and support.

Barriers to Leaving A Violent Relationship

Reasons why women stay generally fall into three major categories:

Lack of Resources:

• Most women have at least one dependent child.
• Many women are not employed outside of the home.
• Many women have no property that is solely theirs.
• Some women lack access to cash or bank accounts.
• Women who leave fear being charged with desertion, and losing children and joint assets.
• A woman may face a decline in living standards for herself and her children.

Institutional Responses:

• Clergy and secular counsellors are often trained to see only the goal of “saving” the marriage at all costs, rather than the goal of stopping the violence.
• Police officers often do not provide support to women. They treat violence as a domestic “dispute,” instead of a crime where one person is physically attacking another person.
• Police may try to dissuade women from filing charges.
• Prosecutors are often reluctant to prosecute cases, and judges rarely levy the maximum sentence upon convicted abusers. Probation or a fine is much more common.
• Despite the issuing of a restraining order, there is little to prevent a released abuser from returning and repeating the assault.
• Despite greater public awareness and the increased availability of housing for women fleeing violent partners, there are not enough shelters to keep women safe.

Traditional Ideology:

• Many women do not believe divorce is a viable alternative.
• Many women believe that a single parent family is unacceptable, and that even a violent father is better than no father at all.
• Many women are socialized to believe that they are responsible for making their marriage work. Failure to maintain the marriage equals failure as a woman.
• Many women become isolated from friends and families, either by the jealous and possessive abuser, or to hide signs of the abuse from the outside world. The isolation contributes to a sense that there is nowhere to turn.
• Many women rationalize their abuser’s behaviour by blaming stress, alcohol, problems at work, unemployment or other factors.
• Many women are taught that their identity and worth are contingent upon getting and keeping a man.
• The abuser rarely beats the woman all the time. During the non-violent phases, he may fulfill the woman’s dream of romantic love. She believes that he is basically a “good man.” If she believes that she should hold onto a “good man,” this reinforces her decision to stay. She may also rationalize that her abuser is basically good until something bad happens to him and he has to “let off steam.”

Predictors Of Domestic Violence

The following signs often occur before actual abuse and may serve as clues to potential abuse:

1. Did he grow up in a violent family? People who grow up in families where they have been abused as children, or where one parent beats the other, have grown up learning that violence is normal behaviour.
2. Does he tend to use force or violence to “solve” his problems? A young man who has a criminal record for violence, who gets into fights, or who likes to act tough is likely to act the same way with his wife and children. Does he have a quick temper? Does he over-react to little problems and frustration? Is he cruel to animals? Does he punch walls or throw things when he’s upset? Any of these behaviours may be a sign of a person who will work out bad feelings with violence.
3. Does he abuse alcohol or other drugs? There is a strong link between violence and problems with drugs and alcohol. Be alert to his possible drinking/drug problems, particularly if he refuses to admit that he has a problem, or refuses to get help. Do not think that you can change him.
4. Does he have strong traditional ideas about what a man should be and what a woman should be? Does he think a woman should stay at home, take care of her husband, and follow his wishes and orders?
5. Is he jealous of your other relationships—not just with other men that you may know—but also with your women friends and your family? Does he keep tabs on you? Does he want to know where you are at all times? Does he want you with him all of the time?
6. Does he have access to guns, knives, or other lethal instruments? Does he talk of using them against people, or threaten to use them to get even?
7. Does he expect you to follow his orders or advice? Does he become angry if you do not fulfill his wishes or if you cannot anticipate what he wants?
8. Does he go through extreme highs and lows, almost as though he is two different people? Is he extremely kind one time, and extremely cruel at another time?
9. When he gets angry, do you fear him? Do you find that not making him angry has become a major part of your life? Do you do what he wants you to do, rather than what you want to do?
10. Does he treat you roughly? Does he physically force you to do what you do not want to do?

Checklist

Look over the following questions. Think about how you are being treated and how you treat your partner. Remember, when one person scares, hurts or continually puts down the other person, it’s abuse.

Does your partner

____ Embarrass or make fun of you in front of your friends or family?

____ Put down your accomplishments or goals?

____ Make you feel like you are unable to make decisions?

____ Use intimidation or threats to gain compliance?

____ Tell you that you are nothing without them?

____ Treat you roughly – grab, push, pinch, shove or hit you?

____ Call you several times a night or show up to make sure you are where you said you would be?

____ Use drugs or alcohol as an excuse for saying hurtful things or abusing you?

____ Blame you for how they feel or act?

____ Pressure you sexually for things you aren’t ready for?

____ Make you feel like there “is no way out” of the relationship?

____ Prevent you from doing things you want – like spending time with your friends or family?

____ Try to keep you from leaving after a fight or leave you somewhere after a fight to “teach you a lesson”?

Do You

____ Sometimes feel scared of how your partner will act?

____ Constantly make excuses to other people for your partner’s behavior?

____ Believe that you can help your partner change if only you changed something about yourself?

____ Try not to do anything that would cause conflict or make your partner angry?

____ Feel like no matter what you do, your partner is never happy with you?

____ Always do what your partner wants you to do instead of what you want?

____ Stay with your partner because you are afraid of what your partner would do if you broke up?

If any of these are happening in your relationship, talk to someone. Without some help, the abuse will continue.

Adapted from Reaching and Teaching Teens to Stop Violence, Nebraska Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault Coalition, Lincoln, NE.

www.ncadv.org
http://www.bwss.org/

By Jay Timms, Lawrence Stoyanowski, and Darren Wilk

Call it a fight, call it a discussion, call it whatever you want. But let’s be honest. The truth is that in every marriage there is fighting. No matter what you think, there is no such thing as the Cleavers or the Cosbys. That being said, if it happens in every marriage, why is it that there are some couples who seem to enter and exit the ring gracefully while others seem like there is never a break between rounds? The reason is that some people have learned the secrets behind fighting well and others are just swinging away hoping to connect.

Whether you have been married 20 years or 20 minutes, learning to fight well can be the difference between being one of the most rewarding experiences of marriage and the most challenging.

What fight do you want to fight?

Let’s clarify what was said previously. Everyone fights, but you may not actually know it. Even if you are in the relationship. There are basically 2 types of fighters; the Screamers and the Sweepers.

What does a screamer sound like?

This is the couple that nobody doubts is having problems. They are the ones that fight over the smallest things, and these small things turn into World War III. The fights turn brutal fast and leave deep wounds that are still raw as the next fight starts. They fight about the same thing over and over and never seem to solve a thing.

How deep is the carpet you sweep under?

These couples do have conflicts, but they keep it quiet. From the neighbors, from the family, and even from themselves. When a conflict arises, these people will quickly and effectively avoid the conflict and will work around it. When they come into therapy, generally these people will talk about conflicts that were never resolved 10 years ago that their partner didn’t even know was a problem.

Why do so many couples fight?

Here is the problem. There really are 3 things working against you in this relationship.

What family tree did you fall from? First is that neither one of you grew up in the same family. Maybe your family was the kind of family that was loud and outgoing, always doing things together, and constantly moving, whereas your partner came from a family where spending time together meant that they were in the same room together listening to the same clock ticking in the corner. It may not have been quite that extreme, but you get the point.

Are you a fruit? Secondly, no two people in the world have had exactly the same experiences and thoughts as another person. Our experiences tend to form who we are and how we see life. Therefore, no two people in or out of a relationship will ever see their relationship exactly the same. It is like trying to compare apples to oranges.

What planet are you on?

Finally, there is one overlying theme that hangs over all of us in traditional relationships. One of us is male and the other is female. Period. Although we are not from different planets as you may have heard, society expects different things from us and we therefore have different goals and expectations about relationships and our roles in them.

Knowing that there are such strong, lifelong habits and traits that we are dealing with, it should be

Why do we lose control?

When we fight, something interesting happens in our bodies. For most people, fighting isn’t just an exchange of words. It is an emotional event that happens and is felt throughout our bodies.

Emotion types

There are two types of emotions. Primary and secondary. Secondary emotions are emotions that come after the main emotion occurs. In essence, it is a reaction to the reaction.

When people come into a session, most often we hear “She pissed me off”, or “He made me so mad”. That is not the real emotion. That is the reaction to the emotion. The primary emotion is hurt, disappointment, or rejection. It is important that this distinction be made.

Chemical Confusion

Part of the problem when we fight is that too often we are dealing with the secondary emotions. We have felt something strongly like rejection or betrayal, and then our bodies automatically go into defensive mode. Our brains release chemicals that put us on alert and do not allow proper functioning of brain processing.

What we need to realize is that people who work off of secondary emotions do not actually see reality because their brains cannot function properly with the chemicals that are being produced. Our natural response is to retaliate without thought. How can you fight effectively when your brain is not functioning? You can’t! That is why you need to be able to see clearly enough to fight.

This is just not natural!

Why is it that fighting well is so difficult? Even the most practiced couple makes mistakes at times and seems to go backwards. What needs to be understood is that it is not natural to have the kind of conversations that will make marriages work. Our natural reaction is to fight or run.

So what we are doing is trying go against what our animal instincts are telling us to do. What needs to happen is that we need to transcend that instinct and move to a higher level and do things that feel difficult and unnatural. It’s hard, but it can be done using proven tools.

Other Topics in this Series

1) Check Out Time
2) Kitchen Sinking
3) Sucker Punch
4) Setting the Rules
…and many more

Note: Topics discussed here are not intended to replace professional counselling.

Avoiding Chaos, Relationshipwise

Mark D. Fefer

Professor John Gottman is the doctor of love, at least love of the conventional sort—he’s an internationally known researcher on what makes marriage last and what makes it fall apart. In his work at the University of Washington, he has managed to apply strict scientific rigor to what seems like the most subjective of areas, and he’s popularized his findings in a string of best-selling books.

At his “love lab” near the UW, Dr. Gottman videotapes married couples as they go about a lazy day “at home” and monitors physiological signs like heart rate and blood pressure as they discuss areas of conflict. By toting up the “positive” and “negative” interactions, checking “repair attempts” during fights, watching for incidents of contemptuous behavior, etc., Gottman is able to predict the ultimate fate of the pair with over 90 percent accuracy, he says.

However, as a single guy, I wanted to know how I can keep from getting into a bad marriage in the first place. Wouldn’t that save us all a lot of trouble? Warm and affable, the professor met me at the Grateful Bread bakery near his home to discuss the issue.

Seattle Weekly: You study a lot of couples that are on the rocks. And you talk about the four behaviors that foretell divorce—criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling. But I’m sure that, at one time, most of these couples were in love and gushing about each other. How can I know if my current relationship is going to end up like that?

Dr. Gottman: People used to think, “Well, you’re in love, you’re blissed out, you’re not going to be… real nasty. . . not going to be contemptuous toward your partner, not going to be disrespectful.” Not true. If you keep going back and looking at relationships earlier and earlier, to the newlywed phase, the same variability [in behavior] exists for couples there as for later on. Even in the dating relationship—researchers have looked—the same signs are predictive. If you’ve been going together for 6 months, you can take a look at what’s going on and decide if you want to be in that relationship or not.

So how do I make that decision? How can I know if a relationship is right or not?

First, what is the quality of the friendship? Are you guys really friends? In other words, is it easy to talk? Like, before you know it, four hours have gone by. It’s really a lot like same-sex friendship. It’s about being interested in one another, remembering stuff that’s important to one another, being affectionate and respectful, and it’s about noticing when your friend needs something from you.

Then there’s the quality of sex, romance, and passion. Do you feel special to this person? Do you feel attractive? Are you really attracted and turned on by them? Is there a lot of love in the lovemaking? Does it feel passionate?

But everybody feels this stuff at first, don’t they?

That’s the surprising thing: People get married and they don’t really like each other, and they’re not having good sex together, and they don’t feel like their partner’s really that interested in them . . . they get married anyway! They’re not taking a hard look at their relationship.

OK, but so what if it’s really passionate at first—isn’t that going to fade?

The common belief that passion and good sex start early and then fade is totally wrong — totally wrong. Passion can grow over time in a relationship if people pay attention to it. [In our studies of long-term couples] the thing that came out among those who had a great sex life was friendship—”We’ve remained really close friends, we’re really buddies, we try to understand and help each other.”

What about fighting? From what you’ve written, it seems like fighting in itself isn’t bad, right?

Right. Conflict does exist in the very beginnings of romantic relationships; it comes out. [But] what’s the balance in terms of destructive vs. constructive? Constructive conflict is about accepting influence from your partner, compromising. Destructive conflict is about insulting, being domineering, being defensive, denying any responsibility, withdrawing. Those predict a bad end to the relationship.

How do you get through a time when you’re feeling distant, or you’re not so sure about the relationship, or you’re arguing a lot? Can you repair effectively? It’s kind of a sense of confidence. You develop a feeling that you can weather any storm—not that you like the storms. Conflict is inevitable, but coping with it is a way of building the friendship.

Should I feel wildly in love, swept off my feet?

You’d be surprised what a small percentage of relationships have had that. Psychologists have called it “limerance,” that stage. You’re mostly just projecting on your partner what you wish would be there. And when we started interviewing newlyweds about it, couples who had experienced it didn’t necessarily have better relationships. It didn’t seem necessary or sufficient, except that it is so pleasant to go through. It’s very good if you can build from there.

What else should I be on the watch for?

There’s something called “negative sentiment override.” You tend to be walking around with a chip on your shoulder, hypervigilant for put-downs, for ways your partner is saying, “I don’t really love you, you’re not that special to me.” And if you’re in that state, it’s bad, particularly if you’re a male, because that’s something that is going to be very difficult to change. And it’s really just a question of perception. Two women may be identical in how angry they get, but the one guy is saying, “Boy, she’s really stressed right now, but it’s OK; I get that way myself sometimes.” The other guy’s saying, “Nobody talks to me like that; . . . this, who needs this. . . .”What determines the perception, we’ve discovered, is friendship. If you feel like your partner respects you, is interested in you, turns toward you, then you’re in positive sentiment override.

Why are we so bad at this? More than half of all marriages end in divorce. Are we just choosing badly? Are we just bad at being married like we’re bad drivers?

There are lots of ways to destroy things, and usually only a few ways to really maintain things and keep them working. Things fall apart—this is the entropy idea. Chaos is the more likely event. It really takes a lot of energy to maintain a system that’s working well.

Source: From “A Lot of Love in the Lovemaking: Avoiding Chaos, Relationshipwise,” in Seattle Weekly, February 13–19, 2002.